Sex positivity. It’s something you hear a lot about these days, but not everyone has a clear idea of ​​what the term really means or what a sex-positive lifestyle actually looks like. You’ve probably seen the term “sex-positive” thrown around with trendy hashtags like #FreeTheNipple, #EffYourBeautyStandards, and #SexualHealthIsHealth.

But far more than unabashed nudity, raucous threesomes, and regular STD testing, sex positivity is a way of being that replaces shame with pleasure and judgment with freedom. In short, sex positivity is embracing the diversity of sexual expression with openness and a nonjudgmental approach.

There’s definitely still a lot about sex positivity that people get wrong, especially when it comes to what sex positivity isn’t. Before we get into what sex positive is, how to become sex positive, and whether sex negative even exists… Here are some of the most persistent misconceptions. Do any of them sound familiar?

1. “All sex-positive people enjoy sex.”

Perhaps one of the most persistent myths about sex positivity is that it is essentially the same as really, really loving sex. A sex-positive person believes that sex is something wonderful, natural, and should be enjoyed freely, safely, and consensually. Related concepts like body positivity, sexual awareness, free exploration of gender norms, and sexual self-care are also a big part of the equation. While many sex-positive people enjoy sex, you can be sex-positive without being sexually active or even interested in sex yourself. There are sex-positive people who are virgins, celibate, and even asexual.

2. “Sex-positive people talk about sex all the time.”

While sex-positive people absolutely believe that there is nothing bad, wrong, or shameful about any form of consensual, responsible sexual activity, or talking about it, they don’t necessarily have to talk about sex a lot. Consent is a huge issue when it comes to sex positivity. Sex-positive people understand that not everyone wants to share the details of an intimate experience they’ve had with someone else, discuss it, or hear about the sexual exploitation of others. Part of having a sex-positive attitude is being respectful and considerate in every way possible when it comes to sex.

3. “Being sex positive means you enjoy casual sex.”

Sex positivity is in no way a throwback to the hippie days of free love. There are definitely sex-positive people who enjoy casual sex, one-night stands, and friends-with-benefits situations. However, many sex-positive people take sex incredibly seriously and only want to have it in a monogamous context that is, for the most part, quite traditional. It is also very clear that sex is not a fun, carefree experience for everyone. Sex-positive people believe in a world where it is safe to freely and responsibly express your sexuality, whatever that means to you personally.

4. “Sex-positive people have no boundaries.”

You don’t have to be a “try it all” type of person to be sex positive or identify with the movement. Almost everyone has boundaries and things that they’re just not interested in sexually. That doesn’t mean they’re uptight or need to loosen up, and it certainly doesn’t mean they’re not sex positive. In fact, a sex positive person would be someone who not only knows where their personal boundaries are, but is also very comfortable expressing them and asking others to respect their boundaries.

5. “Sex-positive people see sex as something they are entitled to.”

We all know people who think that sex is something they are entitled to or that other people owe them. We probably all know at least one person who has used what they think is their belief in sex positivity as a way to manipulate others into participating in sexual activities they don’t really want to participate in. Anyone who has that attitude about sex is not sex positive. We’re not kidding when we insist that consent is a big, big deal for sex positive people. No one owes you sex, and you don’t owe anyone sex. Period.

6. “Sex-positive people are constantly horny.”

Very few people, sex-positive or otherwise, are always up for all the sex they can get from absolutely anyone who is willing to do it. Sex positivity is not about being super horny or completely indiscriminate about when, how, and with whom you have sex. Be wary of anyone who says otherwise. Taking a sex-positive approach to your life does not mean that people will approach you out of nowhere expecting sex, sexual conversation, or anything else that has to do with it.

7. “Kinky people are better at sex than vanilla people.”

Truly sex-positive people don’t believe in a sexual hierarchy where what someone likes (or doesn’t like) automatically makes them good or bad at sex. In a sex-positive world, any sexual act that is safe and responsible between consenting adults is a valid expression of desire. Being into BDSM, having a large collection of sex toys, enjoying threesomes, or being polyamorous doesn’t make you better at sex. Preferring traditional missionary sex only in the context of a marriage relationship doesn’t make you bad at sex. Sex positivity is about accepting everyone’s preferences, whether or not they enjoy sex the way you do.

Living a sex-positive lifestyle is without a doubt a great decision. Not only does it open you up to getting to know yourself better, but it also helps you embrace the differences between you and others.

Sex Positive Examples

So what is sex positive? Examples of sex positivity can be:

• Exploring your fantasies.
• Enjoy the sensations in your body.
• Communicating your sexual desires and needs to partners.
• Prioritizing a healthy sex life in relationships.
• Developing a positive relationship with your body and body image.
• Setting healthy sexual boundaries with yourself and others.
• Advocating for your own sexual health, having safe sex where necessary.
• Addressing unhealthy sexual patterns, such as compulsive or impulsive behavior.
• Accepting the consensual sexual behavior of others rather than judging it.
• Supporting laws, policies, and norms that ensure consensual sexual freedom rather than unhealthy restrictions or repression.
• Supporting comprehensive sex education in schools.

How do you become sex positive?

Full transparency, becoming sex positive takes: patience, time, dedication, and courage. It’s hard work! But it’s work that’s worth it.

It requires an ongoing commitment to becoming more inclusive and conscious. It requires a commitment to practicing anti-oppressive philosophies and practices.

The first step is to notice all the times you're not sex positive—probably because you grew up in a sex-negative culture.

For example: Let's say you think "slut" when you see someone in a crop top. Ask yourself: Why did I react that way? Why did I feel that way?

Likewise, if you find yourself judging someone for being polyamorous, ask yourself: Why does that make me uncomfortable? What steps do I need to take to stop feeling that way? And then take those steps.

Is it possible to be 'sex negative'?

You bet.

In fact, it’s a safe bet that unless you’re actively working to become sex-positive, you’re sex-negative. Don’t take it personally, though. You’re not the problem, it’s society. Sex-negativity is baked into the way our entire society operates.

For example, sex negativity tells girls to put on more clothes even on the hottest day before leaving the house. It is a parent's judgment when they breastfeed in public, even though breasts are made for that.

Other examples of negativity about sex include:

• Violence against sex workers, trans women, etc.
• Abstinence-only sex education and sex education that only teaches about reproductive sex.
• Instagram shadow-banned sex educators.
• Slut-shaming and victim-blaming.
• The "good girl" vs. "bad girl" trope.

Sex negativity approaches sex and sexuality from a place of fear, oppression, and stigma. It assumes that human sexuality is dirty, dangerous, horrible, unnatural, uncontrollable, harmful, and risky.

Are you open to becoming more sex-positive? Remember that sex positivity is a process. Be gentle with yourself as you unlearn sex-negative beliefs and behaviors. As we collectively work to create a more sex-positive society together, we will be on our way to deeper love and acceptance for ourselves and others.